isn’t much I can say about 24 that hasn’t been said already. The past 5
& ľ seasons (- I blossomed late) have held me enrapt by the
adrenalin-powered antics of one Jack Bauer. For those living in Outer-OomFuFu,
Jack Bauer is an American Super Ninja. If there was actually an
Impossible Missions Force, He wouldn’t just be Jim Phleps, he’d be the
whole team. He is indestructible, incorruptible, relentless, ruthless,
and the best argument for cloning the US Government could ever have.
There’ve been so many unlikely, hair-raising threats to national
security on these last seasons of 24, that I daresay if it ever crossed
my mind that any of the situations were remotely possible, I’d pack up
the trunk and never leave home again. Duct tape and Hazmat suits, here
However, we have our Superman in the Red, White and Blue cape vigilantly
guarding us against all dangers. Whether it be explosive Muslim
extremists (- again), trigger-happy Mexican drug cartels, Mad Russians,
or threats to our beloved Constitution from within the halls of the
White House itself; Jack Bauer is There! Enduring as the Energizer
Bunny, having no need for food, beverage, human companionship or even a
quick nap, he never lets U.S. (- and that’s no typo) down!
Let me be clear, it’s not to say that Jack is a Terminator, a robot
without friends or emotion. In the words of an ancient Yonkers
philosopher: Quite Contrare! Jack’s scorecard is chock full of X-marks;
his wife murdered by enemies, he’s estranged from his child (- No loss
that, really, she couldn’t get her head around the fact that her father
is actually a superhero). He’s lost some of the his best friends to
explosions, sodium pentothal overdoses, Presidential Assassinations and
one guy Jack just shot himself (- but he felt really badly about it!).
The Man has been shot, stabbed, endured heroin-addiction and subsequent
DT’s on behalf of a grateful nation, been tortured for years in a
Chinese Prison, and has to gone toe to toe against C. Thomas Howell’s
scary facial hair, yet somehow he always comes through.
However, I am noticing that this season seems a little different for
Jack. Maybe the sparkle in the squinty eyes isn’t as sparkly. Maybe the
steely determination isn’t as steely. Maybe it’s the millisecond pause
that he now takes before he shoots a suspect. Something is off. I’m sure
that for most mortal men, two years in a Chinese Prison might have
sapped some grit. I’m sure one’s government only bringing an end to said
imprisonment so one can immediately be served as sacrificial lamb to a
grudge-loving mad bomber with a long memory might be off-putting. I am
sure it hurt Jack’s heart to have to shoot point blank one trusted
comrade for not moving away fast enough from a terrorist who may or may
not have changed his stripes, but still … that’s just another day’s work
for the good folks at CTU, Home of the Mole. Naw, I think it’s something
deeper. I think there’s something missing in Jack’s life that takes
precedent over all other associations. He can live without the touch of
a female. Who needs his stinkin’ ungrateful, Cougar-Bait brat? Friends?
Really now, how many of us have them? No, I think there’s something much
more basic and dear to Jack that has thrown him off his game this year,
and lucky you, dear reader, you get to find out just what this missing
ingredient to Jack Bauer psyche is.
It’s the JackSack, yo. The Bauer Bag. The Mighty Murse of Jack. No one
seems to fully understand the power of this portable. Women have
comprehended for centuries the importance of accessories and having the
right one at the right time. They have had to put up with endless smirky
jokes about whether or not the Lindbergh Baby or Paris Hilton’s talent
could be found in the comforting depths of their Murakami clutches,
Birkins, or TokiDoki Scuolos. Well, it figures it would take a figure as
unrelentingly testoteroned as Jack Bauer to make the hairier gender
validate the Power of the Purse – and Murse!
Jack’s entire life is in that shoulder bag. Whenever he’s in the deepest
of jams, more than any two legged companion, the JackSack is there for
him. “Hey, this nuclear bomb is about to go off and I don’t have any
wire cutters” - They’re in the murse. “Dammit, poisonous gas has just
been released into the air!” – Hazmat suit’s in the inner pocket, Jack.
“Chloe, I’m in the desert and about to die of thirst” You know Chloe’s
reminding Jack that CTU installed a kitchen sink in the JackSack between
the hours of 6:00 AM and 7:00 AM.
That bag is like Batman’s utility belt! It’s like the “S” on Superman’s
chest. Jack Bauer is just not Jack Bauer without his Man Bag! It's an
unheralded and uncredited hero of the show. I truly believe that until
Jack gets his Bauer Bag back, he will remain the shell of himself that
he’s been since the start of the season.
There are those who might contend that it was the torture over two years
in the Chinese Prison that has taken Our Jack off stride, and to some
extent, I might agree. They did him damage, all right. They did
something unthinkable to the man. Not the beatings, starvation,
isolation and threats, no, what they did was more insidious than all of
that. Those monsters separated Jack from his Sack and nothing will be
right again until they are reunited to kick the ass of the evildoer once
Feb. 5th, 2007
I hope some accessory company is savvy enough to get on the road with
this brilliant insight and make some “24™ JackSacks” for sale in malls across the Freedom-Loving
country! That’s a goldmine waiting to be found, kids.
can picture it now, the glorious sight of men with Action Murses all
ready to save the world!
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