|
 In
a summer that looks to be overrun with flights of comic book fancy, a
movie has to work extra hard to stand out. Unfortunately for DC Comics’
Green Lantern, the only way it will distinguish itself is by being one
of the goofiest superhero movies of the year. Is its problem the flat,
brain-dead script? The painful lurches in momentum anytime the drab
romance is dragged front and center? Is it the loopy, uniquely comic
book quality of Green Lantern’s powers? All these things contribute to
make a mush of this display of CGI not-quite-wizardry that will only
appeal to the youngest boys in the audience.
Hal
Jordan is a rebel; a hot dogging flyboy venerated for his aerial skills,
but generally considered an irresponsible screw-up in all other
respects. Tortured by the untimely passing of his pilot father, Hal
seems to court a death wish, pulling stunts in the skies that could get
himself and anyone in the near vicinity killed. Is there nothing Hal
really cares about? Responsibility hooks Hal by the finger as he
discovers an unbelievable sight; a crashed alien aircraft with its pilot
barely hanging on to life inside. The failing ET only manages to give
Hal the briefest of instruction, telling the human to put on his ring
and power it using a glowy green lamp. After many failed attempts and
feeling downright silly having called on both the power of Greyskull and
Buzz Lightyear, the ring suddenly activates, exposing Hal to its
otherworldly powers and instilling in him the knowledge and history of
the Green Lantern corps. This education includes a trip to planet Oa,
the headquarters for the thousands of Green Lanterns across the universe
now gathered to quell the threat of a returning menace called Parallax,
whose next stop is Earth for a quick bite to eat. Finding his new
comrades’ faith in him on par with those on Earth, Hal must go it alone
against the nasty alien invader who has some unexpected help on the
inside from a scientist frenemy of Hal’s with his own daddy issues and
lust for Hal’s maybe-girl. So complicated.
So
dumb. There’s just no inspiration to Green Lantern. The most special
effect in the whole production is Ryan Reynolds’ backside in the hard,
plasticky-looking Green Lantern outfit; one of the nicest bits of
Hollywood padding since Michelle Pfeiffer’s hyper-fluffy derriere in
1992’s Batman Returns. There’s an inordinate amount of scenes of
Reynolds in only the smallest of skivvies throughout a goodly portion of
the film, but even that estimable sight wasn’t enough to save a film so
lacking in imagination or wit. Perhaps part of the problem is that
Green Lantern’s power itself makes an odd translation to film. The
Lantern’s ring makes Hal Jordan’s thoughts a reality; he can’t just ask
it to blow up an alien ship or knock someone across a room. Jordan must
actually think of a giant fist that then materialises out of green light
from the ring and punches his opponent. The same silliness occurs with
a crashing helicopter; Hal’s quick thinking conjures up a sort of
transport train which carries the disabled aircraft along a race car
ramp over the heads of potential victims on the ground.
Sound
convoluted? Boy is it; as are the Gatling guns, catapults and other
weapons that Hal must manually operate against his foes instead of the
ring simply being able to dispatch the bad guys. It’s early days yet,
but I’m betting if there’s any kind of award for worst visual effect of
the year it’s going to Peter Sarsgaard’s bloated-headed alien mutation,
which turns him into an unfortunate doppelganger for Rocky Dennis from
the 1985 film Mask. What I wouldn’t give to see the blackmail pictures
that convinced Sarsgaard to agree to this. There must also be some
incriminating Photoshop lying around the excellent Mark Strong, who
plays Sinestro (- talk about telegraphing), the leader of the
Green Lantern corps in fuchsia skin, a lopsided, bulbous head with
painted-on hair and painful looking yellow contacts.
I also protest the
waste of the sublime Angela Bassett, who I’ve not seen in a “big”
Hollywood production for ages only to watch her wasted here as a
government agent sporting unflattering helmet hair and a pair of
fabulous but highly impractical stilettos. The script is so bland and
cliché that unintentional laughs accompanied moments that were meant to
rouse sympathy for GL’s earth-saving cause. I found myself substituting
my own dialog for the humdrum lines being spoken, especially any
involving Blake Lively, playing Hal’s co-pilot/galpal and clothing -- or
lack thereof. Hal to Carol who’s wearing a spiffy business suit instead
of pilot gear, “I barely recognised you,” Me: ‘With your clothes on.’
Carol reprimanding Hal: “Do you know what I spent my afternoon doing?”
Me: ‘Did it involve a cellphone?’ The rimshots abounded, infinitely
more amusing than anything that was actually written for the screen.
One rare clever moment involved Hal appearing before Carol in his Green
Lantern regalia for the first time, including a teensy, utterly
pointless plastic domino mask. “You think I wouldn’t recognise you
because I can’t see your cheekbones?” Outside of that sparky second
that also speaks to every Superman fan, Lively’s no Margot Kidder and
any moment spent on the romance between Hal and Carol is a moment
wasted. Reynolds tries hard to make the character work, but it’s a tall
order with material this shallow. We get a glimmer of the Hal Jordan
comic fans have come to love toward the very end of the piece as the
Lantern fights Parallax, a fully-CGI creature that looks like the love
child of a dreadlock wig and a giant dust bunny, but it’s far too late
for anyone to care. How odd that Reynolds did better in Marvel Comics’
2009 Wolverine film as Deadpool, a loudmouth mercenary who is mutated
into a bald sword-armed monster with no mouth at all. Maybe Marvel will
let him back into the franchise?
There
is an Easter egg for those who care to hang around after the main
credits, but it’s a portent of a cliffhanger so predictable and set up
so far in advance that it’s hardly worth spending the extra minute. It
seems even more a waste considering I would be surprised if there is
ever a sequel to Green Lantern that premieres anywhere outside of
Netflix.
~ The
Lady Miz Diva
June
17th, 2011
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