|
 Put
in your earplugs and grab the aspirin, kids, Transformers is back. The
sequel to the 2007 blockbuster is an endurance test that defies a human
being’s ability not to squirm in their seats. Director Michael Bay has
been handed even more cash for the requisite explosions, destruction,
gun battles and pyrotechnics that are his signature. If the director
had paid more attention to actually inserting an engaging and well-paced
plot then maybe I wouldn’t have had such a hard time keeping my eyelids
open despite all the racket.
Sam
Witwicky is off to college. The earnest young man we met in 2007 is
leaving behind his doting (re: obsessed) parents and Mikaela, his super
sexy grease monkey girlfriend. The other person Sam is leaving behind
is his faithful pet/guardian Bumblebee, the sparkly yellow Camaro with a
secret. Bumblebee is a member of an alien race of morphing machines
locked in an eons-long civil war. The leader of the good-guy faction,
the brilliantly named Optimus Prime and his troupe of Autobots have
already saved the earth once against the machinations of the evil
Megatron and his Decepticons, who have no qualm about laying waste to
our little blue planet. In this latest chapter, the Autobots have
formed an alliance with our military to defend humankind against rogue
Decepticon forces still awaiting the inevitable return of Megatron.
Megatron is waiting for someone’s return, as well; an elder Transformer
who holds the key to the final defeat of the Autobots. So, Vader and
the Emperor, I mean Megatron and “The Fallen” Transformer wreak havoc on
earth once again. Will Sam stand by Optimus Prime again or turn his
back to pursue college at the Playboy Mansion campus he’s chosen?
Who
cares? In this droning display of extremely expensive bad filmmaking,
Bay employs every kind of action overload and it all means nothing. How
can so much Sturm und Drang be so utterly boring? Maybe it’s the fact
that you can’t tell one Transformer from another unless it’s Optimus
Prime with his pretty flame paintjob, the bright yellow Bumblebee, or
the two jivin’ shuckin’ Stepin Fetchit stereotype bots that are a
botched attempt at comedy relief. Apart from one bellowed “Starscream”
from Megatron, and the appearance of a crotchety, elder Decepticon
turncoat, there’s not another Transformer who displays a whit of
personality, so why would we care? On the plus side, we do get more
daytime battle scenes with the Transformers; one between Optimus Prime
and a horde of Decepticons being the only highlight in the entire film.
Other than that moment - because it’s impossible to tell which bot is
which - you can’t care who’s winning. All the audiences sees is a
ceaseless, soulless array of twisted CGI metal.
Shia
LaBeouf does his best with a nonentity of a character; the whole reason
Sam is necessary to the Decepticons’ plan is a muddled mess of a plot
device. On the other side of the acting spectrum, Megan Fox’s
performance is as vacuous as her character. Granted she is picturesque;
Mikaela clearly enjoys cell phone chats with her fella while draped
alluringly over a shiny motorcycle in FHM-type poses. I’ll bet if I
looked hard enough, I could find staples not only on Mikaela, but all
the hyper-nympho college coeds Sam comes into contact with. It’s
amazing how much time director Bay spends on the college sequence, yet
somehow not surprising. Maxim must’ve done the ladies’ casting for
these scenes with every female in the camera’s range looking totally
airbrushed and in a soft-porny heat. Maybe Bay should think about
making college recruitment films? Back from the first film, Josh Duhamel
tries gamely to do something with his nothing of a military man, and his
partner, Tyrese Gibson looks as if he was just woken up to deliver
occasional misfired one-liners and collect a check. Sam’s new college
roommate, Leo, tags along in these dire and perilous situations for no
apparent reason, as he and Sam have literally known each other for
minutes. Way to bond, I guess. There is a horribly clichéd government
official who doesn’t appreciate the help of the Autobots and screeches
his disapproval of their every move. Neither of these obnoxious
additions adds a single thing to the story but more time wasted.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a grating, painful thing to sit
through. All the booms, bangs and blown up stuff throughout the film
generate no excitement and only irritate over the long, long running
time. If Excedrin had received special thanks at the film’s end credits,
I would not have been surprised. Enjoyable for the only the
easiest-to-please 10 year old boys; this deafening, tiresome epic is a
skull-splitting hot mess for everyone else.
~ The
Lady Miz Diva
June
22nd 2009
© 2006-2022 The Diva Review.com
|
