24 TV Review

There isn’t much I can say about 24 that hasn’t been said already. The past 5 & ¼ seasons (- I blossomed late) have held me enrapt by the adrenalin-powered antics of one Jack Bauer. For those living in Outer-OomFuFu, Jack Bauer is an American Super Ninja. If there was actually an Impossible Missions Force, He wouldn’t just be Jim Phleps, he’d be the whole team. He is indestructible, incorruptible, relentless, ruthless, and the best argument for cloning the US Government could ever have.

There’ve been so many unlikely, hair-raising threats to national security on these last seasons of 24, that I daresay if it ever crossed my mind that any of the situations were remotely possible, I’d pack up the trunk and never leave home again. Duct tape and Hazmat suits, here we come.

However, we have our Superman in the Red, White and Blue cape vigilantly guarding us against all dangers. Whether it be explosive Muslim extremists (- again), trigger-happy Mexican drug cartels, Mad Russians, or threats to our beloved Constitution from within the halls of the White House itself; Jack Bauer is There! Enduring as the Energizer Bunny, having no need for food, beverage, human companionship or even a quick nap, he never lets U.S. (- and that’s no typo) down!

Let me be clear, it’s not to say that Jack is a Terminator, a robot without friends or emotion. In the words of an ancient Yonkers philosopher: Quite Contrare! Jack’s scorecard is chock full of X-marks; his wife murdered by enemies, he’s estranged from his child (- No loss that, really, she couldn’t get her head around the fact that her father is actually a superhero). He’s lost some of the his best friends to explosions, sodium pentothal overdoses, Presidential Assassinations and one guy Jack just shot himself (- but he felt really badly about it!). The Man has been shot, stabbed, endured heroin-addiction and subsequent DT’s on behalf of a grateful nation, been tortured for years in a Chinese Prison, and has to gone toe to toe against C. Thomas Howell’s scary facial hair, yet somehow he always comes through.

However, I am noticing that this season seems a little different for Jack. Maybe the sparkle in the squinty eyes isn’t as sparkly. Maybe the steely determination isn’t as steely. Maybe it’s the millisecond pause that he now takes before he shoots a suspect. Something is off. I’m sure that for most mortal men, two years in a Chinese Prison might have sapped some grit. I’m sure one’s government only bringing an end to said imprisonment so one can immediately be served as sacrificial lamb to a grudge-loving mad bomber with a long memory might be off-putting. I am sure it hurt Jack’s heart to have to shoot point blank one trusted comrade for not moving away fast enough from a terrorist who may or may not have changed his stripes, but still … that’s just another day’s work for the good folks at CTU, Home of the Mole. Naw, I think it’s something deeper. I think there’s something missing in Jack’s life that takes precedent over all other associations. He can live without the touch of a female. Who needs his stinkin’ ungrateful, Cougar-Bait brat? Friends? Really now, how many of us have them? No, I think there’s something much more basic and dear to Jack that has thrown him off his game this year, and lucky you, dear reader, you get to find out just what this missing ingredient to Jack Bauer psyche is.

It’s the JackSack, yo. The Bauer Bag. The Mighty Murse of Jack. No one seems to fully understand the power of this portable. Women have comprehended for centuries the importance of accessories and having the right one at the right time. They have had to put up with endless smirky jokes about whether or not the Lindbergh Baby or Paris Hilton’s talent could be found in the comforting depths of their Murakami clutches, Birkins, or TokiDoki Scuolos. Well, it figures it would take a figure as unrelentingly testoteroned as Jack Bauer to make the hairier gender validate the Power of the Purse – and Murse!

Jack’s entire life is in that shoulder bag. Whenever he’s in the deepest of jams, more than any two legged companion, the JackSack is there for him. “Hey, this nuclear bomb is about to go off and I don’t have any wire cutters” - They’re in the murse. “Dammit, poisonous gas has just been released into the air!” – Hazmat suit’s in the inner pocket, Jack. “Chloe, I’m in the desert and about to die of thirst” You know Chloe’s reminding Jack that CTU installed a kitchen sink in the JackSack between the hours of 6:00 AM and 7:00 AM.

That bag is like Batman’s utility belt! It’s like the “S” on Superman’s chest. Jack Bauer is just not Jack Bauer without his Man Bag! It's an unheralded and uncredited hero of the show. I truly believe that until Jack gets his Bauer Bag back, he will remain the shell of himself that he’s been since the start of the season.

There are those who might contend that it was the torture over two years in the Chinese Prison that has taken Our Jack off stride, and to some extent, I might agree. They did him damage, all right. They did something unthinkable to the man. Not the beatings, starvation, isolation and threats, no, what they did was more insidious than all of that. Those monsters separated Jack from his Sack and nothing will be right again until they are reunited to kick the ass of the evildoer once more.

~ Mighty Ganesha

Feb. 5^th, 2007

PS: I hope some accessory company is savvy enough to get on the road with this brilliant insight and make some “24™ JackSacks” for sale in malls across the Freedom-Loving country! That’s a goldmine waiting to be found, kids.

I can picture it now, the glorious sight of men with Action Murses all ready to save the world!