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 Here’s
a movie that needs two different reviews; one for the audience it’s
meant for and one for everybody else. Anyone who walks into Abduction
expecting anything other juicy grist for the screaming Twi-hards who
elevated actor Taylor Lautner into the Hollywood stratosphere is one
deluded individual. Oddly enough, those who aren’t brought to
hyperventilation by the good-looking nineteen-year-old star will find
Abduction strangely entertaining, but not for the reasons one might
expect.
Nathan
has lived a perfectly normal teenage life in his rural hometown of
Forks, Washington -- I mean, Pennsylvania. When not thrillseeking with
his best pals, Nathan isn’t averse to a spot of underage drinking at
house parties and is silently in awe of the girl next door. A class
project brings an unexpected discovery which unwinds Nathan’s close
family ties and turns them into a web of deceit and intrigue with all
sorts of international political gravitas. Turns out Nathan is the
biological son of a highly prized US operative, who’s basically fostered
the kid out to other agents who protected and trained him to be a chip
off the CIA’s shoulder. Some Russian bad guys want to get a hold of the
kid as a hostage in order to retrieve a list that might reveal the
ill-doings of some American double agents. As reality literally comes
crashing through his door, Nathan’s life is destroyed and he has no clue
who he is or who to trust. He also has the care of that girl next door
who inadvertently gets caught up in the party. So, with bullets flying
everywhere and villains around every corner, the boy must seek the truth
and save himself and his potential new girlfriend.
For
the Lautner fans, this is so the film you’ve been waiting for. There
are at least two gratuitous shirtless Lautner scenes and I lost track of
how many time the camera stalls on his steely-eyed pout. As the most
implausible fifteen-year-old since the original 90210, Lautner sells the
action better than expected; his apparent love of martial arts and
athleticism on display here. He even makes with the kissy-face with our
damsel-in-distress, but not too much because that would anger the
fanbase.
For
everyone else watching, this is an action film full of holes,
impossibilities, and dialog written by a sixth grader that doesn’t get
out much, and therein is most of your entertainment. The amazing
coincidences all over the film are a scream: After hurling themselves
from a moving car and falling down a steep ravine, the hunted teen
couple momentarily trudge along a highway and manage to find passage
straight through to Virginia – hundreds of miles away – thanks to the
first truck that happens along, which, lucky for our heroes, is
hitch-hiker friendly. Once in Virginia, they not only easily find the
flat of Nathan’s real dad, who must be the most careless spy on the
planet leaving free access to all sorts of goodies like cash, weapons,
an amazingly well-fitted change of wardrobe for Nathan, including a Teen
Beat-perfect distressed leather jacket, and of course a shiny, new BMW
for anyone to use. I’m sure some of the comedy was meant to be
intentional, but it’s really hard to figure out which as one busts out
laughing at the moronic lines that couldn’t be said by even the most
skillful thespian -- or Taylor Lautner. He’s certainly not a
bad-looking kid, has an amiable if slight presence and as I mentioned,
can pull off the action, which occasionally features explosions of
Bruckheimerian firepower, but he might consider spending a little of his
post-teen years under the tutelage of a good acting coach. Still, I
don’t know any Oscar-winner that could convincingly deliver a line like,
“There’s a bomb in the oven!” As if to make up for both the script’s
and the star’s shortcomings, Abduction boasts one of the year’s most
unlikely casts, including Sigourney Weaver as another one of Nathan’s
possible protectors, who teaches him the art of camouflage by balloon.
Alfred Molina is practically swimming in inky black hair dye as a CIA
man and one of the few people that knows Nathan’s true identity. Maria
Bello shows some surprising chop socky chops as Nathan’s ninja mom. As
a true advocate of tough love, Jason Isaacs - or Luscious Malfoy, as
he’s known round this site - brings some Brotherhood attitude as
Nathan’s father and apparent trainer for a career in UFC. Michael
Nyqvist of the original Girl With the Dragon Tattoo plays our bad guy,
who, like all mobsters from the former Soviet Union, has bad skin and
hangs around with a bunch of guys from Brooklyn’s Brighton Beach who
sport all sorts of Cyrillic skin art. Damn you, Eastern Promises! He
gets one of the few lines that actually hits its mark, when his
character threatens Nathan by telling him he’ll “be responsible for the
death of every friend you have on Facebook.” Young Lily Collins shows
off the most bodacious brows since Brooke Shields as Nathan’s
squeeze-to-be (is she part werewolf?), but doesn’t exactly get to
stretch any acting skills. However, judging from that aforementioned
smooch scene, she better start learning some kung fu skills once
Lautner’s fans see this.
Abduction is bad, but it’s just too campily bad to dislike completely.
The earnestness on the part of its younger cast is impossible to fully
hate no matter how clear it is that the more accomplished actors and
director, John Singleton, are just there to pick up a check. I wouldn’t
be surprised to see Taylor Lautner’s fans propel this movie into a
weekend success, but for those not in the fan club or forced to
accompany said fan, just enjoy the sporadic action sequences and
unintentional laughs.
~ The
Lady Miz Diva
September 23rd, 2011
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