|
 After
years of whinging about the excessive damage done to my fair city in
dozens of films over the years; I was certainly receptive to a town
other than New York being on the unhappy side of a cinematic catastrophe
for a change. However, there’s no way I would possibly recommend that
anyone from any town anywhere should fork over their hard earned dosh to
actually sit through the tripe called Battle Los Angeles.
I’m
not going to spend too much time on this one. Aliens invade the earth,
soldiers try to stop them. There you go. There are lots of explosions,
loads of devastation and above all, tons of manly male bonding. That’s
actually making it sound more attractive a proposition than it is. The
poorly-designed aliens are absolutely incomprehensible and so there goes
your fear factor. Everything is also so cheap-looking that many of the
creatures look like puppets and the debris of crumbled buildings look
like Styrofoam. Ultimately, Battle Los Angeles is a pitiful mash-up of
every good alien invasion film there’s ever been. War of the Worlds,
Predator, Aliens, Terminator and District 9 will be foremost in viewers’
minds. All these superior influences should have made for a better
spawn, but what we have is more of an uninspired, half-baked rip-off
than an homage and it’s just plain terrible.
I
don’t know why this movie exists. Truly, I don’t. There is nothing to
recommend its existence; it’s completely unoriginal, ugly as sin and the
script is laugh out loud funny when we’re meant to be sobbing with
sentiment. Only the performances by the unfortunate cast are worth
mentioning and then only with sympathy for their wasted efforts. Aaron
Eckhart gives it all he’s got and far more effort than this sinking ship
is worth as he sells lines a less sporting actor would’ve fired his
agent over. I defy anyone to keep a straight face as Eckhart consoles a
distraught child by telling him he needs the young boy to “be my little
Marine,” or his heartfelt pep talk full o’ clichés to the surviving
troops. Shame is Eckhart, known more for dramatic roles, goes over
unexpectedly well as a G.I. Joe-type action guy and maybe that was the
motivation behind starring in this thing. More’s the pity that the film
is so dreadful no one will notice. Michelle Rodriguez, who really needs
a new shtick, is woefully underused as the resident tough girl. Bridget
Moynahan is charming but squandered as a clumsily inserted love interest
for Eckhart. Sans trademark chapeau and sporting horn-rimmed glasses,
R&B star Ne-Yo is unrecognisable but effective as the squad’s comedy
relief. Sadly, Mr. –Yo’s work is lost as the dialogue drowns in the
loud, mind-numbing action and the enormous amount of time spent on
trying to develop these characters is completely wasted because you
can’t tell one from another as they start getting picked off in battle.
The
other notable thing about this film is that Battle Los Angeles may have
inspired me to create a new annual movie award. It will recognise any
film that requires its audience to take Dramamine before viewing. As if
there wasn’t enough here to make one ill, Battle Los Angeles is poised
to give moviegoers motion sickness with all its ceaseless and
unrelenting shakycam -- which like the film itself -- exists for no good
reason. I’m calling this new award The Cloverfield. Though there’s
been a bunch of contenders already, I’m predicting that Battle Los
Angeles has the championship on lock.
If
there’s any purpose to Battle Los Angeles it’s as a sloppy, mawkish,
preaching-to-the-choir love letter to the armed services. However the
movie is so terrible that there’s every possibility that treating a
Marine or military service member to this soul-sucking, pandering
stinker might be considered an act of treason.
Hoo-rah?
Hoo-boy.
~ The
Lady Miz Diva
March
11th, 2011
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