|
 The
first behind-the-scenes reports of the sequel to the highly successful
Twilight bore news of the shocking replacement of Catherine Hardwicke,
the cast-and-crew-adored director of the original film.
Hardwicke’s innate rapport with the emotion-drenched world of Stephanie
Meyer’s characters only added to the campy terribleness of the first
film, but made it a keepsake for fans of the books, who piled into the
theatres over and over again. Chris Weitz, who previously helmed
the adaptation of Phillip Pullman’s The Golden Compass – a huge box
office failure - seemed an odd and sudden replacement. Perhaps it
was believed Weitz would have more of a handle on this chapter, which is
allegedly more action-packed than the previous installment; yet Weitz
creates a film so dull, poorly crafted and unengaging that it makes the
original film, Twilight (reviewed
here), look like an rip-roaring Indiana Jones
adventure by comparison.
Once
again everything is about Bella Swan, ordinary teenager living with her
divorced dad in the Pacific Northwest. Totally assured that everyone in
the world has already seen Twilight, New Moon gives precious little lip
service to the original film, opening with Bella’s subconscious fears of
what her life loving forever young vampire Edward will be. Age is a
reality Bella’s got to face that her luvah doesn’t. While Edward will
go through eternity always a hunky high-schooler, Bella envisions
herself as a grandma, giving a whole new twist to the “May-December”
romance. Bella uses her fears to put pressure on her unwilling
boyfriend to turn her into the living dead, so they can both be young,
beautiful and in love into the ever after. Edward, being a deeply
moral sort of bloodsucker, refuses for fear of Bella’s immortal soul
because apparently being a vampire - willingly or not - is a straight
train ride to H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks. Some vague reminders of
various past dangers facing Bella due to her proximity to the Cullen
vampire family, as well as incidental danger from within that happy home
convince Edward to do what he should have way back in movie one; keep
away from the girl. His break up with Bella sends the teen into
paroxysms of despair on a level with Linda Blair in the Exorcist. So
desperate is Bella to see her long-gone bloodsucker that she begins to
hallucinate images of him as she finds herself in perilous scrape after
scrape, convincing her that putting herself in harm’s way will afford
her at least the sight of Edward. As broken up as she is over her
break-up, Bella isn’t such a basket case she loses her eyesight and
that’s where newly hunky childhood friend Jacob comes in. Downright
scrawny in Twilight, New Moon’s Jacob has been hitting the supplements
and Soloflex hardcore. Biceps, abs and glutes threaten to burst
out of the young man’s clothes as he encircles muscular arms around the
now less-lonely Bella. Unfortunately for Bella, she seems to have
merely traded one cute boy with a secret for another.
He’s
over it, y’all. Robert Pattinson is so done with playing über-sensitive
vampire dream boy, Edward Cullen it reeks off the screen like a fresh
paper cut to the undead (-violently demonstrated early in the film).
He’s not helped by a script that has Pattinson appearing through most
of the film as a disembodied vapor head, playing Jiminy Cricket to the
calamity-seeking Bella. Rarely have I seen a director require less of
his cast than Chris Weitz in New Moon. Besides Pattinson’s palpable
malaise, Kristen Stewart once again mystifies us all as to how actors
get chosen to find work. The permanently glassy look in Stewart’s
eyes is that of someone under sedation and her every line is said in the
same near-mumble as the last film. Subtitles would’ve been most helpful
during the quieter scenes between herself and Pattinson. The only
other emotion she seems capable of conjuring is unconvincing screechy
panic after Edward is gone. I have to wonder if half the problem
with Bella is the script, because she’s just written totally and
completely without any discernable charm. Teenager or not, Bella’s a
jerk. The whole world’s madly in love with her for no clear reason;
even rough and tumble bikers merely want to take her for a carefree
joyride on the back of their hogs, as opposed to dragging the nubile
teen into a back alley, violently raping her and dumping her by the side
of a road. Bella’s friendship is so invaluable that even though
she’d basically abandoned her school chums to spend every spare moment
with Edward and her isolating grand sulk after his departure; they
welcome her back with open arms. I have yet to understand what
she’s ever done for them or anyone else in the film except be a
co-dependent walking target. Even when an old family friend dies, Bella
doesn’t so much as lift a well-groomed eyebrow in mourning. I know
the maxim about teenagers being self-centered, but Bella verges on the
sociopathic. She simply doesn’t care about the consequences of any
of her actions on anyone else. This is bad enough in a character
you’re supposed to feel sympathy for, but with the tiny exception of one
schoolmate letting Bella know her distance wasn’t appreciated when her
friends might actually have troubles too, no one says boo to Bella.
Quite contraire, so much dialog is spent with various acolytes telling
her how loved and special she is and how they’ll even die for her, you
definitely feel you’re missing something with this terrible heroine.
That said, I guess Kristen Stewart’s unspecial acting her suits the
character perfectly.
In the
all-is-not-lost department, Taylor Lautner does credit to his portrayal
of Jacob; capturing the dual nature of the friend who yearns to be more
to Bella, the boy being dragged into an early adulthood, and the little
something extra that divides his soul. Lautner’s teenage angst seems
age appropriate and nicely tempered, giving the finest performance of
the three leads.
Not
the fabulous hair show that amused me so in the last go round (-
Pattinson’s do actually seems washed out and dirty and his handsome face
is photographed distorted and flat at times.), New Moon is
not without its campy charms, though way too few and far between.
The dialog is once again cheesetastic; full of cringeworthy declarations
of true love forever. This chapter introduces the werewolves (-
Because for some reason, you can’t have vamps without werewolves),
and the split-second transformation with bits of meat flying where the
wolf’s human form once stood was pretty neat. An all-too-brief battle
between the graceful, deadly bloodsucker Victoria and the wolf pack was
one of the three highlights of the film. Another was the inclusion
the Volturi clan, who stand as vamp lawgivers and executioners and the
excellent Michael Sheen as one of the heads of the coven. Sheen
chews the scenery (- and hopefully a sizeable paycheck), mincing
about in brocades, unctuous smiles and a heck of a weave. Less
Vampire, more Campire. Also part of the scary, undead crew is the
young, powerful Jane, creepily played by Dakota Fanning, looking
fetching in slightly oversized red contacts. Sadly, neither are around
long enough to really perk up the previous two hours before they show
up. The last highlight is all about beefcake. The amount of
well-cut male torsos in New Moon could fill a museum, and I, for one, am
grateful. It served to keep my eyes open as I started to nod off
from the flatline of the script, when every ten minutes one or many of
the actors would strip off his shirt and jolt me awake again. Good
job knowing your audience, Mr. Weitz.
Is it
any better than the first one? Yes and no. While it’s got its fill of
unintentional comedy (- and almost none that is intentional) New
Moon is not quite as laughable as Twilight and that’s not necessarily a
plus. I was almost looking forward to the humourous aspect of New
Moon, because with Twilight, good, ill or indifferent, at least it kept
me amused. With this film there are no such advantages; there’s not
enough of anything, not enough action to keep things thrilling, not
enough romance for the girls to swoon to (- Thank goodness for those
missing shirts), no cleverness anywhere in the production, but a
truckload of time. There is absolutely no reason for this film to
be over two hours long and each of those minutes (- when anyone’s
wearing a shirt) is a dragging trial. I would have expected
this latest chapter of the vampire movie based on a massively popular
series of teenager’s romance novels to be many things; overwrought,
precious, histrionic, but one thing New Moon should never have been was
slapdash and screamingly dull.
~ The
Lady Miz Diva
November 18th, 2009
Click here for our Twilight review
© 2006-2022 The Diva Review.com
|
