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 In
one week, Hollywood unleashed two, count ‘em, two remakes of films from
the 1980’s. Things get really meta in the case of The Thing, as it is a
remake of a remake. Purporting to be more of a prequel to John
Carpenter’s 1982 sci-fi screamer (as opposed to that movie’s
predecessor, 1951’s The Thing from Another World), the 2011 version
features way too many moments similar to the Carpenter film to be
considered on its own merits. That said, between the two eighties
remakes (Footloose being the other) The Thing is the lesser of
the two.
Three
Norwegians in an all-terrain vehicle cross the snowy tundras of 1982
Antarctica in search of a distress signal. A cave-in leads them to the
source of the signal and a lot more. A metal airship and its frozen
inhabitant are the find of the century and Dr. Sander Halversen wants
the discovery all to himself. Despite bringing paleontologist Kate
Lloyd to the Arctic snow base to give her insight to the find, Halversen
proceeds recklessly against Kate’s counsel, unused to following anyone’s
advice but his own. Unwise handling of the creature in the block of ice
leads to its resuscitation and that’s when the fun begins as the visitor
finds a quick and thorough way to acclimate himself to his guest planet.
Well,
that’s when the fun should’ve begun. Outside of a few shock pops and
queasily creepy effects, The Thing is a pretty flat affair. It
literally becomes a waiting game to see who’s going to get knocked off
next. Paralleling the John Carpenter film, trying to find out who has
been cloned by the alien should’ve been a suspenseful thrill: In the
1982 film, there were blood samples taken from each of the crew and a
heated paper clip applied to the blood would reveal most violently who
was an alien in disguise and who was human after all. Here, we have a
very similar scene, but instead of the paper clip test, we’re supposed
to be on the edge of our seats as the crew members’ bridgework is
checked for metal fillings, which apparently the creature can’t
assimilate. It’s that kind of dullness that never allows The Thing to
get off the ground. Everything feels rote, tired and unoriginal and not
just because this is a remake; there’s nothing here not seen before in
plenty of other sci-fi and horror movies. Even the idea of making this
version’s hero a woman has been done far better by the likes of James
Cameron in Terminator and Aliens. Problematic as well is the fact that
Mary Elizabeth Winstead as our heroine, seems to have brought along only
one facial expression and one extremely calming tone of voice. Ellen
Ripley, she ain’t. I might have enjoyed the film more had it been
centered on Joel Edgerton (who’s everywhere these days) and
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as the American helicopter pilots who are the
first ones to try and get the heck out of Dodge when things start
getting heated. Also, the latter actor was Adebisi from the excellent
prison TV drama, Oz, so he knows when trouble’s coming and to get far
away. It was odd to see Akinnuoye-Agbaje wearing a wool hat that wasn’t
coiled into a small, tight roll and balanced on the side of his awesome
head. I might have given the movie another star for that. Back to the
dreck; we’re shown one scene during the closing credits that gives us an
indication of how the alien makes its way to the crew in the John
Carpenter film, but unless one was familiar with that film and the
Carpenter-composed theme song, they would be hard-pressed to connect the
two.
Yeah,
it’s just blah. Not horrible, but not good, either. The Thing is yet
more ammunition in an increasingly wary public reception for remakes in
general and particularly for reduxes of movies less than thirty years
old. Just because a film is a remake doesn’t mean you have to bore us
all by giving us no surprises.
~ The
Lady Miz Diva
Oct.
14th, 2011
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