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Cross the Rainbow Bridge
of Asgard,
Where the booming
heavens roar,
You’ll behold in
breathless wonder,
The God of Thunder,
Mighty Thor!
 Ahh,
those lyrics from the animated TV series, Marvel Superheroes bring back
memories: Visions of Jack Kirby renderings of fantastic champions that
seemed to stand still while brightly coloured backdrops moved around
them, giving the illusion of action. Those were the days. Well, thanks
to the good folks at Marvel Studios, we can once again enjoy stiff,
one-dimensional characters on equally flat backgrounds in the
live-action version of Thor.
The
Frost Giants are coming! Actually, the chilly creatures have been here
and gone centuries ago thanks to the ethereal guardians of our earthly
realm, the Norse Gods. Led by the indomitable Odin, the walking
popsicles were vanquished and their primary energy source plundered to
threaten our world with freezer burn no more. Time passes and Odin
considers which of his two sons will inherit his crown. There’s the
quiet, introspective Loki, who always thinks before he acts, and the
outgoing, vivacious Thor, who doesn’t think of anything at all,
anything, that is, except fighting like any good Viking deity. In an
attempt to prove himself to his father, Thor undertakes a forbidden and
thoroughly unsuccessful diplomatic mission that reignites the old Frost
Giant feud and boy, does that make Odin mad. So infuriated is the king
with his impetuous child that Thor is cast out of Asgard, and the mighty
Mjolnir, Thor’s war hammer and source of his power, is taken and thrown
aside, also somewhere on Earth. Luckily, scientist Jane Foster and her
colleagues are out in the New Mexico desert watching the skies. Not so
lucky that they manage to run the now-powerless god down with their
truck several times. The question for Jane and her crew is whether or
not this golden-haired hunk is delusional, or if there’s actually
something to this Odin and Mjolnir gibberish he speaks of? A shady
paramilitary agency seems to think so. (- This would be S.H.I.E.L.D.
for those who haven’t been following the other recent Marvel films.)
Meanwhile, Odin has collapsed and the Norse Gods are without a leader,
until Loki decides to lend a hand and seize the throne for the good of
all Asgard. Isn’t he thoughtful? Thor’s trusty band of warriors isn’t
down with the change in management and they set off to bring the young
prince back from earth to his rightful place on Odin’s throne, but not
if Loki’s handy Destroyer -- a very large enchanted suit of armor meant
to live up to its name -- doesn’t get them first.
Nothing new under the sun. 2011 is a year drenched in superhero movies,
many of them, like X-Men: The First Class, Captain America, Conan the
Barbarian and the Spider-Man redux are Marvel Comics creations. In
2012, we’ll get another Marvel Comics extravaganza with The Avengers,
featuring many of the heroes from this year’s crop of films, as well as
Iron Man and The Hulk. That might be the trouble with Thor; it’s given
neither the budget nor quality script of projects like 2008’s Iron Man
or The Incredible Hulk. It plays like an also-ran; as if someone said,
‘Well, some members of The Avengers’ audience might not know Thor, so
let’s patch together a quickie actioner to introduce him.’ But for our
being told Thor and his clan lived in the heavens, one might have
thought it the dark side of the Moon; the aforementioned Rainbow Bridge
of Asgard looks like a Tron scrap. Odin’s palace looks like a pipe
organ and the backgrounds for the Asgard scenes are so flat and badly
rendered that they resemble Sears portrait studio backdrops. Everything
looks dingy and dimly lit. This could only be the Mole Man’s idea of
good living. In terms of its script, all the characters, including Thor
are such shallow creations it’s difficult to be concerned. The action
looks patently fake and very much out of a Saturday morning cartoon.
Those Marvel Superheroes shorts I mentioned earlier look stunningly
true-to-life by comparison. I could swear I saw strings on one
character as an adversary’s blow sent him flying over parked cars. When
another pair of enemies fight, there’s an actual delay between the punch
thrown and the opponent’s head whipping back. Though there are
occasional zingers, like the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent spotting Thor’s warriors
walking down a New Mexico street in full battle gear and identifying
them as “Xena, Jackie Chan and Robin Hood,” the majority of the comedy
falls pretty flat. The special effects are not particularly memorable,
either, and there’s absolutely zero point to this film being either in
IMAX or 3D. The whole thing seems cheap and afterthought and I wouldn’t
have been surprised to discover it was initially meant to go straight to
DVD. For something that feels so cast-off, Thor sure features a stellar
bunch of names before and behind the camera: Much-honoured stage and
screen director, Kenneth Branagh is at the helm (N.P.I.) and no
less than Sir Anthony Hopkins plays the father of the Norse Gods, Odin.
Branagh seems to be that rarest of all directors capable of steering the
force of nature that is Sir Tony, giving us the only heartfelt moment in
the entire film when Odin ruefully banishes Thor. Oscar winner Natalie
Portman plays the scientist who’s stared at the skies so long she’s no
idea what to make of the heavenly creature dropped out of the clouds
before her. Portman plays Jane plucky and clumsy, but just a bit too
broadly as if trying hard to inject some life into the role. A
bored-looking Stellan Skarsgård could have stolen the whole show as the
salty veteran scientist/surrogate dad to Jane who’s afraid Thor might be
exactly what he says he is. Tom Hiddleston is a cunning and layered
Loki, making the hat with big horns work. As Jane’s smart-mouthed
intern, Kat Dennings is pretty much Kat Dennings, serving no purpose
other than to be Kat Dennings. I was infuriated to see the brilliant
Tadanobu Asano, the most sought-after actor in Japan, totally wasted as
the “Jackie Chan” of Thor’s band of Merry Men. I was only slightly
assuaged by the cameo of another actor I admire and have written about
all over TOWN popping in as a S.H.I.E.L.D. sniper with a deadly EYE
who’s not sure his bosses’ AIM for the big blondie is true. Aussie
Chris Hemsworth is our hero, playing Thor as half jock -- or WWE
wrestler -- and half loving son, eager to please his much
larger-than-life father. Though the lacefront gluing on his flaxen
locks is visible, Hemsworth’s cobalt blue eyes and outrageous physique
are the most special effects of the movie. Though we only get one scene
of Thor changing his shirt, it brands the retina and the whole rest of
the movie is even less impressive. That moment alone and the softened,
meant for the kiddies violence, made me question whether Thor was meant
to be a comic book movie for the ladies after all?
It
doesn’t nearly come up to par with the previous Spider-Man or Iron Man
films, but Thor is entertaining enough, especially for the younger ones
in the audience, but it really should have been far better than the
placeholder for more highly-anticipated Marvel superhero films that it
is.
~ The
Lady Miz Diva
May 6th,
2011
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